The carrot chasing continues...... Anniversary #3

The carrot chasing continues...... Anniversary #3

3 years...... I have officially passed the first statistical year barrier.  If you had asked me Feb. 7, 2011 where I thought I'd be in 3 years..... well lets just say it's mind blowing what I didn't know was coming.  For those who are waiting for the "someday" or the "when I grow up".... man just know 3 years ago my someday list was BIG, now statistically I have 3-8 years to get it done, all on a super low fuel count.... 

I chased the carrot for a long time.... I worked hard, I climbed the corporate ladder, I traveled frequently to wonderful cities and worked with wonderful talented people, ate at yummy hip restaurants, upgraded to first class, I paid my debts, I purchased a house, owned my car, had minimal credit card debt, I had insurance, retirement funds, stocks..... I thought I did it all right.
NOW:
I've lost my house, my career came to a sudden halt, child bearing is no longer an option and I depend on help to get me places 85% of the time, my annual income has been cut off at the legs, debt scares me and the word bankruptcy has come up many times in 3 years.....   My employment after 18 years with Coldwater Creek will come to an official end Feb. 22...... Some would say that I've gone down hill..... I would say perspective has changed.

Grateful is still my word, I am grateful for how my perspective has evolved all in the name of cancer.  But I will say optimism is hard to keep on the forefront.  You get broken down a lot in this battle, and I don't use the word battle lightly.... the last few months battle has truly been what I feel this is.... and I often feel I'm loosing it.  Unfortunately I can understand why people stop fighting.... I feel better when I'm not fighting it (medically speaking), unfortunately that's when you get sicker:(

Don't take advantage of being able to plan your dentist appointment a few weeks in advance.... sometimes life feels mundane, week-after-week..... believe me sometimes the security in that is nice. I used to think weeks would just fly by like clockwork, now I miss the clockwork.  Little things, like waking up, getting in the shower, dressed, off to work..... YOU KIDDING! I would have to sit down 3 times and nap by the time I sat at my desk.  If you had asked me 3 years ago..... wow how things change.

My friend Suzanne Tugman said to me the other day.... "Sara your living for the now", and she's right.  When I DO feel good and am not sleeping, I want to DO... I'm a DO'er and it drives me NUTS  not be DO'ing.  I've had to start cutting things out of my day, like phone calls for medical & bill paying only, I skip conditioner in the shower so I don't have to stand that long, carrying a purse is exhausting, budgeting how many times I have to go up stairs in a day.  Because I can't plan week to week what I'm doing, where I'll be or how I'll be feeling.... I've embraced living in the now. So days I wake up, shower and eat.... my head reeeeels.... I wonder if I shouldn't grab my jump bag, head to the airport and go somewhere really quick.  But even if it means being productive running my businesses with my besties so they know they can count on me.... I am grateful I woke up and felt decent.

With all social medias and people posting quotes here and there about living life to the fullest and don't let days go by..... I know we sometimes become numb to these, but believe me when your living it, those cliche's are all to real.
The carrot now?  I am chasing a treatment plan, something to keep me here... not to mention blow those statistics out of the water.  And I am so grateful to those who continue to help me chase this carrot... because for me to get this carrot I need your help.  I love my family so much, and without mom, dad, sissy, Wes, Sarah & Marc, Dr. Lin.... and the countless others this battle would not have a chance.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I sat in the shower this morning, letting conditioner finally saturate my hair, hair that I'm so grateful to have, and wondered what I would be writing on anniversary #4.  I wonder how far I will get chasing this carrot.....

Love to all,
Sara

PS: A special woo-hoo going out to you Birgett, I think of you all the time:)
PSS: GO Stylebar!
PSSS: Hoping to be sitting back on the beach below between treatment with a certain someone... thank you Kate & Dallas!