Thursday, November 7, 2013

Is this ride over yet?

Warning: on heavy pain Meds, not responsible for grammatical error or foul language

Brasil was lovely.... I intend to return... But not yet. The hoedown is upon us, can't believe a year has passed... It goes so quickly, especially when your asleep or sick for most of it.

I plan to recap Brasil, since returning I've been layed up thinking and I know my outline to write, now to find a time when energy, my computer and manageable pain are all in the same place. But this is my post Dr.Lin, post octreotide scan, pre Hoedown update.

Before I left for Brasil, Dr.Lin told me I shouldn't go and go right back on chemo again, indefinitely. After spending the summer sick, I just couldn't bear it... By then end of the appointment I convinced Dr.Lin this trip was much needed for my emotional and mental health, he agreed as did those of you who had been around me.

Today I found out the cost of that decision, but I will tell you it was much worth it.... Brasil was lovely.

I've been in pain for a few weeks now, it was progressive and by the time I got home on the doctor scale of pain I was a 10, the word "SEVERE" in blinking neon white blinked when I closed my eyes! I thought maybe kidney stones.... Could it be that I have something wrong with me that is not directly cancer related? Of course not, I am a healthy cancer patient! This morning, after 3 days of scans and looking at my favorite nebula ceiling art... Dr.Lin confirmed the cancer has taken up residence in my lymphnodes, making them swell pressing on nerves and causing the "SEVERE" pain.


It looks as if some more chemotherapy running concurrent with radiation therapy are in my very near future.... I can see that this holiday season , as the last 2, will be providing unique physical gifts.... No surgery this year tho:)

Ill set up shop in Spokane, working with highly recommended doctors from Dr.Lin..... So were not running back and forth over the pass....

My last Dr.Lin appointment before leaving for Brasil  I  came to a realization about this new life I am now living......  I have cancer, I live with cancer and I manage my life with cancer in it. Since my diagnosis I feel like I've been chasing the rabbit around the track, and at some point I'll reach the finish. It wasn't until Dr.Lin said IVchemotherapy indefinately I realized this is now my life.... There may be no finish line. I e said many times, will say it again, I am grateful for the perspective cancer has given me in my life, I believe I am a better person because of my diagnosis, for myself and those around me.... But I am kind of done. I want to get off this  rollercoaster, doesn't cancer know I'm busy! I want to be able to DO & GO, and not be prisoner of being sick.... I want to EXPLORE & find my PASSION in work.... And I want to LOVE freely without feeling vulnerable because I'm sick. It's kind of like having a house guest who has overstayed their welcome.

I have seen this cancer free self in my minds eye, in Rio I walked the streets a healthy, happy girl with not a care in the world..... I recently lived this and know what it looks like.... I just need my body to catch up with my mind, soul and heart.  I am ready for this next battle, I just really want it to be the battle  before I pull out my troops and declare victory! I ask for you help...... As you all have always and continue  to give.... Your love, prayers and of course good ju-ju are needed.

Obrigado! Love to you all.... And hope to see as many of you as possible at the Hoedown Saturday... Supporting those who are also on the rollercoaster with Community Cancer Services!

~S


6 comments:

  1. What can one say Sara? You have the passion to truly love and live in this life. You are surrounded by your loving friends. You have given hope to so many to see such energy come from you. Much love prayers and loving thoughts to you . Love marsha and ion

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